


You're falling apart and tearing at the seams

by larrystylinsonstea



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Comforting Harry, Crying Louis, Cutting, M/M, Pet Names, Referenced Eating disorder, Sad Louis, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-harm Louis, don't read if this triggers you, louis cries a lot, please be safe!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-08 15:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5502776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrystylinsonstea/pseuds/larrystylinsonstea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Louis is sad and Harry isn't there to save him from himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow okay this is my first work. Please leave kudos and comments if you like it. THIS IS REALLY TRIGGERING SO BE SAFE.

It wasn’t like this hadn’t happened before. It’s just Louis usually has one of the boys to play footie or watch a movie or distract him from himself. He usually has Niall to make him laugh or Zayn to smoke a blunt with him or Liam to play FIFA with him. He always always always has Harry to talk to, or take a bath, or cuddle him until he falls asleep. 

But not now. Right now Louis doesn’t have any of that. Zayn and Niall went clubbing, Liam is in the gym, and Harry is helping Paul shop for bus groceries. 

He feels alone and scared and he wants to give in and run to the bathroom to cut his thighs open. He wants to feel safe and free and he wants to forget. He wants to forget about Eleanor and management and Simon and the fat on his body. He wants to wrap himself up in Harry’s arms and bury his head in his chest and maybe cry a bit. 

But that isn’t going to happen. 

He hadn’t even felt bad today until they had a photoshoot and he was forced to wear too tight clothes and his skin wasn’t as clear as the other boys’. Harry had noticed, of course he noticed. He noticed the way Louis’ eyes didn’t light up and how he avoided eye contact and wrapped his hands around his tummy. He noticed the way Louis changed into a big sweater and sweats right when they had the opportunity. He didn’t want to lose faith in his boyfriend though. He trusted Louis to come talk to him if he was feeling bad. 

It started when he was 14 and had been in his life ever since. His mum found out when he was 14 when Lottie walked in on Louis because he had stupidly forgot to lock the door. His mum cried and held him for at least and hour begging him to tell her why. He just shook his head and told her it wasn’t her fault. She forced him into counseling, support groups, and even put him on medicine for a year. Things started looking up when Louis got the lead role in Grease at his school. He was clean for almost an entire year, and then his world fell apart when he realized he didn’t like kissing Sandy as much as he should’ve. He started cutting again when he was 16 and he was extra careful this time, not wanting to make the same foolish mistakes he had when he was 14. 

It was when he turned 17 that he realized he was chubby. He didn’t have a six pack or toned arms like his mates. He was all fat and ugliness. He was short and had a huge tummy and a girly arse. He began to cut on his thighs and stomach then. He couldn’t help it. He just wanted to be perfect. He began to eat less but nothing seemed to work. It was never enough. He was never enough. 

When Louis was 19 he applied for the X-Factor (again) and was eventually paired with Harry, Liam, Niall, and Zayn. They made it easier. He loved them and felt comforted by them being around. Harry quickly became his boyfriend and he was (and still it) crazy about that boy. The cutting stopped for the most part. One Direction grew very popular and he didn’t have time to think anymore, let alone cut. Their schedules were packed and he was exhausted constantly, but it was worth it.

Harry found out about half way through the Up All Night tour. It had been a day of arguing about Louis’ solos and talking about his mess up on stage. It hit him like a ton of bricks. He had the familiar feeling in his gut; the feeling of not being enough. He locked himself in the bathroom of his and Harry’s hotel room while the boys were in Niall’s room watching telly. He cut his thighs and his stomach. Then he threw up everything he had eaten, and that’s when Harry walked in on him. Being the caring boyfriend he is, Harry cleaned Louis up and held him while Louis explained everything to him. Harry had cried the entire time. He didn’t understand how he could be such an idiot to not notice the scars. Louis assured him through kind words that they were almost gone and it wasn’t his fault at all. 

The next morning, Harry was so scared he broke down and told Zayn everything. Zayn then told Niall and Liam. The boys hugged him and told him they would always be there. 

Ever since that moment, it had been easier for Louis. He could rely on them whenever he wanted to hurt himself. 

Right now, however, he didn’t have anyone as he dug the old blade out of his bag and made his way to the bathroom. He wasn’t thinking about being clean for a year or the disappointed look that would be on Harry’s face when he found out. No, he wasn’t thinking clearly at all as he left eight cuts on his thighs with tears streaming hot down his face. He wasn’t thinking as he pulled his phone out and did what he should’ve done hours ago. He needed Harry now. He needed his reassuring words and support. He needed to know that Harry didn’t hate him for what he just did. The phone rang in his ear as he sat on the bathroom floor, not even bothering to clean himself up.

“Hi, love.” Harry’s deep voice picked up on the other end and the dam burst through Louis eyes. Sobs began to wreck through Louis body and he was sure Harry could hear all of it. 

“Haz I-” 

“Lou? Lou babe what’s going on?”

“I- I’m so- sorry” God Harry must be so confused and hurt and it’s all Louis’ fault. 

“Love, are you hurt? Louis are you in danger?” Harry sounded so confused and the concern in his voice just made Louis sob harder. 

“Baby I’m on my way okay? Stay on the phone with me? It’s alright love, you’re okay. I’ll be there soon.” Thank God. Harry didn’t expect him to talk anymore and he was almost here and it was okay.  
The reassurances continued in his ear until Harry hung up and Louis could hear him enter the hotel room. He quickly walked to the bathroom because he had a bad feeling that’s where Louis was. The door swung open and Louis’ secret was out.

“Baby oh my god” was all Harry managed to get out before he dropped to his knees and pulled Louis into his arms. That broke Louis even more. He sobbed into Harry’s chest and tried to form words.

“Shhh love you’re okay. I’m here baby. You’re not alone, I’ve got you.” Louis was so grateful for his boy. Within a half an hour, Louis’ tears had nearly stopped and he was feeling a lot better. Harry kissed his forehead and stood up to grab a wet washcloth and started to clean Louis up. 

“Can we go to bed? Please?” Louis finally spoke.

“Of course darling.” Harry picked Louis up from the sink where he was sitting while Harry bandaged his cuts. The two made their way to the bed, Harry laying Louis under the covers and snuggling up next to him.

“Love can you tell me what happened?” Harry’s comforting voice nearly brought tears to Louis’ eyes.

“It’s just I felt so alone and scared and no one was with me. And- and today at the photoshoot that outfit was too tight and then at the concert my voice cracked and I- I’m sorry Harry. You deserve better.” Louis began to cry softly at his own words again. Harry pulled Louis into his chest and reassured him that he has nothing to be sorry for. 

“Honey I’m sorry we weren’t here earlier and I’m sorry you felt alone. You always look beautiful, no matter what you’re wearing. Your voice is outstanding and I love when your voice cracks. It’s cute and it makes you sound great. The fans love it too Lou, don’t be so hard on your voice baby.” Harry began to kiss all over Louis face, making him giggle for the first time all day.

“See, there’s my beautiful giggly boy. I love you so much, Lou.” Louis slowly began to feel better with each kiss and comforting word. 

“I love you too Haz. Thanks for being there.”

“Of course I’m here for you, ya dork. You’re so perfect Louis and I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to convince you of that.”

“Thank you. I love you a lot, ya know.” For the first time all night, Louis initiated a kiss between them. 

“I know Lou, I love you a lot too.” Harry was happy Louis was starting to feel better, but he knew he must be exhausted. 

“Baby, are you ready to sleep?”

“Yeah but can you be big spoon tonight? I’m feeling very needy tonight and I just- I just really need you.” Louis seemed to shy away from his feelings, but Harry was used to it.

“Of course baby, I’d love to hold you until you fall asleep.” 

Harry pulled Louis in front of him and snuggled him close. Louis was resting his head on one of Harry’s arms and Harry’s other hand was running its fingers through Louis’ hair. 

“Goodnight Louis, I love you so much.” Harry had whispered into Louis’ hair.

“I love you too Harry, g’night.”


	2. Just look and you will see that I will be your remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Louis wants help from his husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted a sequel, so I decided to write a sequel. Sorry if it's shit. Please let me know what you think. Kudos and comments are appreciated. Title from Adele's song "Remedy".

It had been 6 months, an album release, and a haircut since Louis last felt this way. He had lasted through Zayn leaving, their world tour ending, and the start of their 18 month hiatus. He hasn’t wanted to cut his own skin since that night in their hotel room. Now, however, the feeling was back and it’s all he could think about. To be fair, he shouldn’t be feeling like this right now. He was at home, in his and Harry’s bed, watching Friends and waiting for his husband to come home. It was a Saturday night and the holiday buzz was finally over. He had a great birthday, a wonderful Christmas, and he even had a few new love bites to prove it.

His day consisted of playing FIFA with Harry, Skyping his Mum and the girls (because _Lou, we already miss you loads_ ), and cuddling with Harry in bed until he had to go to a business dinner regarding his charity drive that he was preparing for his birthday. He had felt great earlier. But now, he wanted nothing more than to lock himself in the bathroom, pry his razor blade out of his old razor, and paint some new scars on his thighs.

He knows he really shouldn’t. He knows Harry will be disappointed. He promised Harry he would tell him next time he felt like this. He promised it wasn’t going to be _his_  little problem anymore and that it was going to be _their_ little problem from now on. He didn’t want the boys to find out again. He didn’t want any of them to worry about him anymore. He didn’t want to be poor sad little Louis who can’t even deal with himself anymore.

When Harry is around, Louis doesn’t feel helpless or alone. He feels brave and strong and sometimes beautiful. He feels safe and warm and happy. He doesn’t want to slice his skin open when he’s in Harry’s arms or Harry is his little spoon at night. When he’s with Harry, everything’s okay.

But now Harry isn’t here to help and Louis isn’t okay. He feels scared and needy and he didn’t trust himself right now and that was not a good combination. He was wrapped up in Harry’s sweater, wrapped up in his boys scent, and that helped, but didn’t fix the problem. The only thing that would fix the problem was down the hall, to the left, and in the bottom drawer on the right. He wanted to give in. He wanted to cut. He wanted to feel something; he doesn’t like feeling numb. He wouldn’t even have to tell Harry. He wouldn’t have to know. He knows how to hide it by now, he used to hide it so well growing up. And _hey_ , cutting didn’t seem like a bad idea anymore. Besides, he would temporarily feel better when he was done, he always did.

No. No. No. No. _He promised Harry he wouldn’t_. Fuck, he doesn’t want to be a screw up for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want to disappoint Harry anymore. He’s so sick of seeing the sad look in his husband's eyes when he admits to cutting. He’ sick of the tears and the late nights and the hiding and he’s sick of _everything._

Forget self harm and fuck his insecurities, because damn it, he was determined to get help. He was done and shit, he wasn’t breaking any more promises to Harry. Harry, who is patient, caring, beautiful, and so so supportive of anything Louis does. Harry who wouldn’t even hesitate to do absolutely anything and everything for Louis. Louis loves him so fucking much it hurts to breathe around him sometimes. Harry’s support is only a call away, and Louis really needs him right now, even if he is trying to be strong.

He scrambled over to Harry’s side of the bed, unplugged his phone from the charger, and dialed Harry’s number at lightning speed.

_Pick up, pick up, come on Harry, please pick up your phone._

“Hi! It’s Harry! Sorry I couldn’t get to the phone right now. Leave your name and I’ll get back to ya later mate!”

God damn it

Maybe he’s busy, he probably doesn’t want to be rude and answer his phone at dinner. Louis immediately clicked on the green texting app and typed out a message.

 _“Please come home.”_ It was simple, almost demanding, and straight to the point.

Almost immediately, Louis’ phone vibrated with a message from Harry.

_“Lou you know I’m in a meeting, I’ll be home as quick as I can be love, promise. xxx”_

Louis groaned because fuck, Harry doesn’t understand.

_“Please babe it’s kind of important !”_

Louis tried again.

_“Is everything alright love?”_

Finally, Louis thought, Harry was understanding.

_“No everything isn’t okay...I’m sorry.”_

Louis felt pathetic. Harry shouldn’t have to drop everything he’s doing to be a therapist for his 24 year old husband.

_“Sweetheart what’s going on? Are you hurt? Babe…?”_

Now he’s gone and made Harry worry. What the fuck is wrong with him?

_“Harry please just come home? I really need you here”_

“Louis I’m on my way home now. Please tell me you’re okay love”

Thank fucking god. Harry was on his way.

_“I’m really not, but I will be”_

Every second the passes Louis feels guiltier. Harry ditched a meeting just to deal with Louis’ stupid problems.

_“Okay. I love you and I’ll be there in ten minutes.”_

Louis was going to break. The tears that had been building all night were close to escaping and fuck, why was he such a crybaby? Harry shouldn’t have to deal with him. He shouldn’t have to play nanny or babysitter. For crying out loud, Louis was the older one in the relationship. He should be taking care of Harry, not the other way around. He should have never texted him. He should’ve dealt with his problems on his own, shouldn’t of drug Harry into it.

Fuck, he wishes Harry would hurry. He wants his blade very much, but he needs Harry to hold him more. He can’t take it anymore. He has to cut. Harry won’t be that mad, will he? He’ll forgive him, he always does. With that, Louis pulled the white covers off of himself, put on his house slippers, and made his way to the bathroom.

He acted almost on instinct, like it was second nature. He was frustrated, upset, and not thinking clearly as he desperately flung the bathroom drawer open- all thoughts of Harry out of his cluttered mind. He couldn’t get the stupid fucking blade out of the razor and he didn’t have time to find a tiny screwdriver. Frustrated and near tears, he slid down the wall and shit, he must’ve accidentally cut his finger while fumbling with the blade because he had a little cut on his middle finger. It was bleeding quite a lot for such a little cut but Louis didn’t mind; he was mesmerized by the bright red blood on his tan skin.

It happened so quickly Louis didn’t have a chance to blink. The bathroom door swung open, revealing a scared and concerned looking Harry.

“Fuck, Louis are you okay?” Harry had clearly been frantically searching through the house for Louis, he was panting and out of breath (even though that boy was most definitely not out of shape).

“Yeah- well maybe?” No, he wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to make Harry worry any more than he already had. Harry clearly wasn’t aware of what was going on, Louis had enough sense to drop the razor in his lap as the door flung open.

“Are you sure? You were really worrying me earlier. I thought something was wrong?” Fuck, why was Harry always using his soft concerned voice with Louis. It really wasn’t helping the burning behind his eyelids.

“Yeah m’fine Hazza.” Louis croaked out, determined to keep his voice steady. Harry obviously wasn’t falling for it as he sunk down to his knees in front of Louis, taking Louis’ hands into his own.

“Shit, Lou what did you do to your finger?” Fuck, he was trapped now.

“I- fuck, you’re gonna be mad.” Louis whimpered out.

“Love I’m not going to be upset. Please tell me what’s wrong honey? I’m here for you babe.”  
And shit, the damn was bursting. Louis couldn’t handle Harry’s calm, comforting voice and a strangled sob broke through. He had been holding his tears in all night, and they were flowing down his face in a matter of seconds.

“Baby, no, what’s wrong? Did Sammy scratch you?”  
Fuck, Harry thinks their kitten accidentally hurt Louis, how is he going to explain this to him? The thought just made him cry harder.

“N-no” Now Harry was pulling Louis into his lap and the razor, Louis secret, had fallen onto Harry’s lap.

“Lou? What’s this about? Oh shit- honey no” Harry understood now. He understood the text messages, the scratches, and the weird feeling he got right when he walked into the house.

“I’m sorry haz” Harry now had Louis sitting on his lap, his face pressed into his neck, hot tears running down Harry’s neck.

“Shh love you’re okay. I love you. Calm down baby.” Louis’ sobbing continued, Harry rubbing circles into his back and running his other hand through Louis’ messy fringe. It didn’t make sense to Harry, Louis was perfectly chipper when he left him three hours ago, what went wrong? The sobbing continued for at least 15 minutes, Harry whispering soothing words into Louis’ ear and trying to sooth him in any way possible.

 

When Louis had stopped crying enough to properly breathe, he lifted his head from Harry’s neck and placed a soft kiss on Harry’s lips.

“Louis, please, tell me what’s wrong? What happened love?”

“Just, can we go to the couch?” Of course Harry agreed. His boy was already in emotional pain, the last thing he wanted to do was cause him physical pain from being uncomfortable on the bathroom floor. Harry picked Louis up bridal style, with only a few protest from Louis. Once they were settled on the couch, Harry pulled Louis into his lap again, this time positioning himself so he could look at Louis while he spoke to him.

“Alright boo, tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.” Harry was so gentle and Louis was so grateful for him.

“I just- I wanted to cut really badly and then I wanted you and then I couldn’t fight it anymore and I just couldn’t handle it.” His breaths were shaky, but Harry’s hands slipped into Louis shaky ones, silently supporting him.

“Oh, love, I’m so proud of you for not giving in right away. Did you want me to help? Is that why you called?”

“Mhm I’m just so sick of disappointing you all the time Harry.” Louis was still crying, and his words made his voice shaky.

“Louis, please don’t say that. You never disappoint me. I am so proud of you for trying to get help and talking to me. You’re so brave and so strong and I would never be disappointed in you baby boy. Never.” Louis couldn’t do this, he flung himself back into Harry’s chest, sobs wracking through his body.

“You’re alright. Cry it out. It’s all okay. Everything’s alright Lou. I’m not mad, or disappointed. I love you to the moon and back and nothing is going to change that.”

“Promise?” Louis asked through tears.

“Of course. You’re still my husband and I still love you just as much as I did before baby, I promise.” To anyone else, the constant reassurances might seem silly, but Harry knew his boy needed it right now.

Taking a few steady breaths, Louis sat up and ran his hand through his disheveled hair. He must look like a mess. His hair was everywhere, his eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he had snot all over Harry’s clothes.

“I love you so much. Just- thank you for taking care of me, I really need you.” Louis whispered out, much sturdier this time.

“That’s alright love, I love you too. You aren’t alone, I really need you too Lou.” Harry reassured Louis, like he had done dozens of times before, but it was still just as true.

“I’m okay- or at least I will be with you Haz.” Louis gave Harry a weak smile.

“I know darling. How about we take a nice bath, drink some tea, and cuddle in bed until we fall asleep? We can light candles, use your favorite bubble bath, we could even shut the light off if you want. I just want to do whatever makes you feel better boo.” Harry’s hands were still on Lou, rubbing his back, playing with his hair, just doing anything he could to make him feel better.

“Thank you baby. That sounds perfect. Could we use our new candles?”

“Of course, love. Then afterwards we can go to bed? I’ll hold you and sing to you until you fall asleep? How does that sound baby?” And yes, that sounds fantastic. Louis absolutely loved when Harry sung him to sleep.

“Incredible.”

“Alright, you stay put, I’ll go get everything ready darling.” With a peck on the lips, Harry was off of the couch and off to the bathroom.

Louis sat on the couch, already feeling much better, and his heart swelled with overwhelming love for Harry.

That night, when they were cuddled up and Harry was singing his favorite lyrics, Louis felt safe and his heart had once again settled with his boy, his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Much Love


End file.
